Alternate Pandemic Wiping Options

Whether you call it Covid-19, Corona-virus or the Kung Flu, Pandemic season is in full swing and in times like these only two things are certain; death and panic buyers.

As a life changing children’s book once told me, everyone poops. The only problem is now and days, not everyone can wipe. With toilet paper flying off the shelf faster than condoms on prom night, here are a few alternative pandemic wiping strategies to keep you clean.

8. Taylor Swifting

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Uploaded by: trixee mathers, May 17, 2013

Years ahead of the curve South Park coined the term “Taylor Swifting” as the action of dragging one’s ass across the ground like a dog as a meme. In hindsight creators Matt Stone and Tery Parker may have sold one of 2020’s biggest problems with one of the simplest solutions! Hell, if its’s good enough for man’s best friend…

7. Two for the price of one

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“Cutting Costs with Paper Towels.” Cutting Costs with Paper Towels, 16 Feb. 2010,

Seemingly a no brainer, this is something we could’ve been doing to cut costs for years! Think about it, one bulk purchase of paper towels and you’re good on toilet paper for a year, along with the inclusion of a little extra grip! When it comes to alternatives for your back end, this should be the most logical, I mean after all, it is still paper used for cleaning up.

6. The doctor

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“New Treatments in Prostate Care.” Chicago Health, 3 Aug. 2015,

If you’re lucky enough to find a remaining box of gloves from your local Stop N’ Shop, make sure you are making wise choices about how you put them to use. With recent controversy sparking about the effectiveness of gloves during this pandemic, there is one sure fire way to use them wisely. Along with a hands on approach, strapping up with a plastic gloves also saves paper and should you only need one hand (I’m a little worried if you need two) you’ve got a glove in the reserve for next time! Running low on gloves? Not a problem! Lather, rinse, and repeat! Prostate practice never seemed so appealing!

5. Finding a purpose

“Has Your House Got Dirty Sock Syndrome? Here’s How to Fix It.” PV Heating & Air,

We’ve all been there before, you throw in a full load of laundry only to find upon retrieving your freshly washed clothes, you’re somehow left with an odd number of socks. Now what, do you keep it in hopes you’ll find it’s match knowing full well that day will never come. Do you throw it away and waste a perfectly good sock? Thanks to Coronacation there is finally a use for that straggling sock! Simply wipe and wash, maybe you’ll even end up finding that second sock when you wash it.

4. Shop-vac city

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Look… I’m not saying it’ll be pretty. Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures

3. MOON roof

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Taylor Auto Glass. “What to Do If Your Sunroof Leaks.” Taylor Auto Glass, 26 Mar. 2019,

Ah. the sunroof, one of automotive life’s greatest luxuries. Possibly the most expensive option on the list, this option is perfect for owners of cars with sunroofs who need to go, on the go. With a little help from your local car wash and a stealth-fully timed finger, turn that sunroof into a moon-roof and revive the most detailed cleaning you’ve ever experienced. WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS VIA HAND WASH CAR WASH.

2. Absolutely No Leaks!

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Uploaded by: Flex Seal, Sep 22, 2016

Sometimes the best solution to a problem is stopping it ahead of time. Planning on burritos for dinner again? Ready to start the day with your morning coffee? How about preparing for a long trip? You can’t encounter the dangers of not having toilet paper if you can’t produce any waste!Like grammy always said, If it can repair a boat above shark infested waters, it can withstand the late night munchies!

(It is at this time I feel obligated to state we are in no way affiliated with Flex Seal and any form of bodily fluid restraint via their product suggested in this article is entirely satirical.)

1. Clean as a whistle

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McDonough, Lauren Smith. “How to Clean a Showerhead That’s Seen Better Days.” Good Housekeeping, Good Housekeeping, 23 Oct. 2019,

The absolute most obvious answer that nobody seems to discuss is the shower. Think about it, you’re right there anyway. It’s something everybody has and is a pants drop away at any given time. Already showered for the day? This is where a removable shower head comes in handy, however those without one can still achieve the same level of cleanliness with just a little added maneuvering.


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