If you are in the hefty majority of states whose governors have now decided they are above the lawmaking process and have deemed the use of masks “mandatory” by their own orders, fear not! While these mandates are NOT laws and cannot be upheld as such, there are still many ill informed people who believe they are and will not hesitate to call the hotline in hopes some higher power will tyrannically fine you. So, for those of you who didn’t sleep through US Gov. class in highschool but are sick of those pesky Karen’s giving you “the look”, I have complied some alternative options you can use to stick it to the Karens while still following the “Mandatory” mask mandates.
First things first let’s examine (for the state of OH) what this mask mandate entails. According to News5Cleveland.com, ” Mike DeWine issued an order Tuesday making masks mandatory for counties in the state where the rampant spread of coronavirus continues to be a rising threat…It will be mandatory for those out in public to wear a mask under the following circumstances:
-When they are in any indoor location that is not a residence.
-When they are outside and unable to maintain a six-foot distance from those not in their household.
-When they are riding or driving in public transportation or ride-sharing.”
Alright cool, now that that’s out of the way, we also need to address that the following parties have been excluded from this mandate: Children Under the age of 10, Anyone with a pre existing medical condition that could be affected by the use of a mask,anyone communicating with the hearing impaired, or anyone working from a home office.
The last thing we need to clarify is the definition of a “mask”. Oxford Dictionary defines a mask as,” covering for all or part of the face”. With that in mind, we now proceed to your alternate options/loopholes for the mask mandates.
1. Gimpin’ Ain’t Easy
Alright, let’s run it down! The gimp mask 100% complies with the definition of a full or partial face covering. Perfect for complete and utter domination in the bedroom or just grabbing a bite to eat at your local Sheetz. Time to check out? No problem! Simply unzip the mouth covering for easy and unmuffled communication.
What’s your favorite Scary Movie? Face covering, Check. While it might not be the most convenient for airflow purposes, the rubber features will provide you with a scent that harkens back to a cool crisp Halloween night in October of 2008. Just don’t be seen around an all star cast of high schoolers and TV news crew.
3. War.. War never changes.
In the case of a real global pandemic, there is no greater benefactor than the classic gas mask. The gas mask is a full face covering ventilator that allows the filtration of clean compressed air. A stable of every post apocalyptic, dystopian, or doom stricken future movie, game, or show, you simply cannot have a global apocalypse without the gas mask. In all actuality, this is what you would actually need to wear should a killer virus with a high mortality rate were to occur.
4. Follow The Buzzard
Not only does it cover your face, you gain a rockin beak with a leather smell! The black plague saw the rise of the plague doctor mask, and if they can handle that, they can handle the “pandemic” that everyone has seemingly forgot was supposedly caused by a bat.
5. Somebody Stop Me!
Try and tell me I don’t have a mask, and witness me whip out the 1994 Jim Carrey The Mask! Like the Frank’s Red Hot lady, I’ve always got that thang on me! Now… when it comes to covering your face it’s quite a simple fix, like the old montra goes, Duct Tape fixes everything.
6. Dial It Up
Onto my personal favorite, as well as one I’ve actually used, The Luchador mask. Face covering? Yep! Always remember your face is not your mouth. I can speak from personal experience that not only does it meet the qualifications of being a mask, asking to remove a luchadores mask is one of the most insulting and disrespectful things you can do in as in Lucha culture masks represent honor and often heritage.