I Died and Woke Up Benching

It was a typical afternoon after the bombs fell. Sierra was helping me prepare my favorite gin and coke when I randomly got this urge to just punch something. No, my name isn’t Kyle and I don’t drink monsters everyday but sometimes you just get that urge to break things yaknow? I walked outside and the closest thing that I saw that wasn’t mine was a nearby fire hydrant.

Bendpak.com

After punching it, I realized that my raw strength was too much for this pathetic little yellow hydrant. With regret in my heart, I decided to try and fix it before the fire department arrived. I grabbed the nearest tools that I had in my truck and ran over to the Geiser that I created.

Almanac.com

My maintenance skills seemed to prove me right as well….but not well enough. As I was fixing the fire hydrant, I knew it would be a one way trip. The pressure was too much to hold by myself and knowing that I could get engulfed any second, I was ready to meet the end.

Quora.com

After tightening the last bit of the hydrant, I close my eyes and when I open them, I’m confused. I’m lying down in some random gym and I’m repping 225 like it’s nothing? What’s going on? I finish my set and look around. Nothing seems to have changed about me other than the fact that I can now bench 225 for reps. I get a call from a random number.

Freepik.com

“Hello Andrew this is Dr. Phillips calling as an update of your health since the accident. We did some more studies and we concluded that your condition was related to the accident and that it will progressively grow over time. The next chance you get, we request for you to schedule another appointment with us. Thank you and bye bye now.”

Alygeorges.wordpress.com

This isn’t anything that I wanted. This wasn’t supposed to be how my life went. I was so much better than this. The pain in my head keeps growing like demons clouding my thoughts. I know what I must do to stop this endless curse.

Reddit.com

I return to the spot that started this all. I see that retched metal tube of water that ruined my life. This is our last fight buddy. I wrap my arms around it and tear it out of the concrete. The pressure explodes but it does nothing to me because of this “condition.” I look down into its soul while it’s in my arms and I whisper to it,

“This is Andrew W.K. and this is Destroy, Build, Destroy.”

-The Pige

Fallout Enemies That Looked Better In the Past

The new engine has its perks and it’s flaws. We all know that. But there are some things that many of us can agree on, and it’s the design of the newer gen enemies looking a little…different.

Molerats

Nexusmods.com Fallout.fandom.com

The newer models of molerats just seem to look way less menacing than previous Fallout games. They’re smaller and are a lot more broken spawn-wise. Pathetic.

Super Mutants

Fallout.fandom.com

While the newer Fallout games incorporated a lot more story and character to the super mutants, the older model mutants just seem to be more memorable with the permanent protruding teeth and wide varieties of armor.

Ghouls

Pinterest.com

Feral or not, the ghouls in the newer Fallout games are not even remotely close to being as dangerous as they were in the past. I remember being terrified as a low level to wander the Wasteland or Mojave at night because of the endless lightning-speed ghouls. They’ve lost their touch and scare factor in the newer vanilla Fallout games.

Sentry Bots

IGN.com

This point is mainly just based off of the nostalgia factor for me and most players. We understand the idea that sentry bots are supposed to be beefy and very intimidating, but the gritty style and look of the sentry bots in the older games just hits different.

Any Mirelurk

Fallout.fandom.com

Again, it’s the menacing factor for the older mirelurks. While the queen in the newer games is equally as terrifying as the old games, it’s more crab-like and seems less mutated. I know there’s time frames and how long it takes the enemies to mutate lore-wise, but we can agree that the older mirelurks are more intimidating and fun to kill.

-Pige

My Wife Got Chlamydia From Online Porn

Doggystyle?!! We’re not animals! I know my wife better than that. She may have a habit of getting her hand stuck in the car door, and I am a handy man myself. When it comes to blue collar jobs however, it’s a no go for me. Growing up in the church, I assumed that all women weren’t like my wife.

Hindustantimes.com

Look, I know what a succubus is alright? I literally live in the church. I just had no idea that my sweet little angel would act like this. We were just at the county fair enjoying the food when a group of guys walked by dressed as medieval knights. They were quoting absurd things like necromancy and she started to chime in. It’s like she became a completely different person!

Weatherfordemocrat.com

After talking to them for 15 minutes, she seemed a little off. I asked her how she knew all of this stuff and she basically shrugged me off. So later that night, I made sure to stay up and make sure she knew I wasn’t awake. What happened absolutely shocked me.

Luvze.com

She left the house at 2:40AM. I knew exactly where she was heading. I followed her to one of the large tents at the fair. She had no idea that I was watching from afar. I-I can’t describe what I saw because I get sick. Those men, the cameras, the…I know now that I can never look at her the same again. Later that week, I started faking a bad cough and recommended her to go to the hospital.

Cidrap.umn.edu

The results came in. I had no idea that she was like this. I’ve been married to her for so long. I know I have it too. I-I just. I have to go now. There’s nothing else left to say.

-Pige

The Time I Lost My Wife In a Hang-gliding Incident

It was 2008. At the time, my wife and I were struggling sexually. Not in an erectile dysfunction type of way, but in an adventurous way. We needed to spice things up a little yaknow? So one morning, we saw an ad in the paper.

Amazon.com

We knew that this was exactly what we needed. It was the quickest unanimous decision her and I ever made. We knew that Boise didn’t offer much, but goddamn this was something. The fee wasn’t much either. I’m not telling you cuz that’s none of your business. What you do need to know, however, is how quick that 2 hour drive was. We were so excited that we didn’t even pack lunch.

Thetrendonline.com

We treated the whole introductory course like we weren’t going to plow the hell out of each other so we didn’t get the instructors suspicious. The minutes felt like hours as we were anticipating the best experience we were ever going to have. It was a cool, sunny day at around 73°F with mild winds. Perfect for hang doin. We drove to the drop site and waited for the right time.

Mobydisk.com

And we have a liftoff! The cool wind grazing against my body only elevated my excitement. I know what I must do.

Sheridanpress.smugsmug.com

I signal my wife to open her legs. I make a dive for it. I know that the instructors on the ground are watching but I have been anxious for TOO long. The positioning and timing is perfect. And just like that…I’m in. Our dreams have come true as we are the only people in the world that are currently having sex whilst mid glide, probably. Everything is perfect.

Dailyrepublic.com

Everything was perfect. The hang glides got intertwined and caused us to come spiraling towards the earth. We knew what we had to do. So right after finishing, we cut the lines and prepared to parachute to the surface. But for some reason, her parachute was still connected to the glide. She tried to escape but it seems that fate had other plans for her.

Livescience.com

They heard my name and they’ve heard my desires. I will not confess to these accusations. The satisfaction and glory of the prosecutor will not be met. The judge heard my case. The jury didn’t seem to meet the agreement, however. So, after 14 years they finally got me. They finally got the Hang Glide Killer.

Why Fallout Should Have Vehicles

The Fallout series by Bethesda has been experiencing a drop in sales over the past few years. Ever since Fallout 76, less and less people are becoming interested in the story and franchise. My boss and I were recently in a meeting discussing what would cause an increase of sales, and I proposed the idea of having a variety of vehicles around the wasteland.

Cinematic Cars

Bossman

Everybody loves the stories of Dukes of Hazard and SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT. But imagine yourself running into one of these cars whilst traversing the wasteland. You’d be hootin’ and hollerin’ too if you experienced this like I did in the picture above.

Speedy Bois

Also Bossman

Who needs mods to make your character go faster when you have the fastest car in the wasteland? Being able to find, restore, and drive around the wasteland running over ghouls and raiders will make you feel like the king himself.

Own Your Own Business

Another Bossman

A super reliable way to earn caps! Think of it as the player trading Fallout 76 offered but with sick ass cars. It’s a reliable way to get to the quests you want without fast traveling. You could also have the hottest car in the whole server making you a target, or a stud.

Become A Professional

You already know

Forza ain’t got shit on these new Fallout ideas. Become the most experienced and respected racer in the wasteland. Battling other players and NPCs in epic tracks and open roads. You could also use this experience for extremely effective drive-by’s on those who deserve it.

Learn the Trade

Mhm

Learn the REAL LIFE trade in the newest addition to the Fallout series. Who needs schooling and an apprenticeship when you can make an online living repairing the vehicles of the experienced racers and criminals. Imagine yourself as Ellie from the famous Borderlands series and you’ll understand where I’m coming from.

-Pige

Console Player Stereotypes

This post goes towards the console players and the demographic that fits us all so perfectly. We all know people that are like this.

The Eater

thrillist.com

We all love joining a party or game chat just to hear what Xx_deathk1llR_xX had for lunch. These people are probable one of the most annoying when it comes to a relaxing late-night gaming session. We don’t want to hear your Chipotle burrito. Mute your mic.

The Ear Rapist

youtube.com

You’ll just be randomly playing a video game or watching a video when all of a sudden, your friend decides to imitate the sound of a hippo getting railed by barbed wire. These friends are hilarious to have in a party just because of the pure randomness of their actions. If they do it too much however, they are just bound to get kicked from the party.

The Tryhard Ear Rapist

twitch.tv

There’s always that one person that takes things way too seriously and acts like they’re trying out for a professional Rainbow 6 tournament. These people are fun to have in your party for the sole reason that you get enjoyment from their anger and screams. These are also the type of people that will lose in a Call of Duty match and make it impossible for everybody else to trash talk due to the pure volume of his/her voice.

Jerry

Detroitbecomehumanwiki.com

Just your average Jerry.

Mr. Music

newyorktimes.com

This dude can’t help but forcefully turn you on to his music by blaring it into the mic. There are times where this dude’s music is so loud that you can hear his trap beats more than his callouts. If you encounter this individual, it’s best recommended to turn to Mr. Ear Rapist in your party to inform the kind fella that his music is just a tad excessive. A polite “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” would be perfect and simple enough.

The Wind Tunnel

Homedepot.com

This person for some reason is always hot to the point that he/she will always have their fan on and pointed directly into their mics. No matter how much you tell them to turn their fan off, they will always have a faint sound of a wind tunnel in their mics throughout the rest of the party chat. There’s not stopping it.

“I’ll Be Right Back”

content.time.com

This is the type of dude that will say, “Hey hold up I’ll be right back. I gotta piss.” or “Yo I gotta let my dog out. I’ll be right back.” and then remain AFK for the next 30 minutes to an hour. They’ll be gone for so long at times, you think that they’re preparing a meal for 4. Which in reality, is what they do.

All Lag

youtube.com

You can hardly ever get this dude to finish a

The Mute

youtube.com

This dude will make crucial callouts to your team in a match and then rage because you’re not listening to him. When in reality, he’s the idiot because he forgot to unmute his mic. This is a common occurrence with almost all players with a mic.

Mr. Broke

thinkcomputers.com

This person is usually permanently muted because he/she is too poor to even buy a mic or the games that you want to play. This is mainly because this person would rather spend their money on weed or booze. These people are extremely depressing and usually depressed themselves.

That was a brief list of most of my party chat encounters. I know there’s more out there but it would be impossible to name them all.

-Pige

Best Uses For A Greenscreen

Everybody knows that the ways to modern cinema either involves real life locations, CGI, or a green screen. Green screens have been used for multiple cinematic masterpieces, so today I am going to discuss the best uses for green screens around the world.

You Can Literally Be In Minecraft

amazon.com

Why spend your Saturday morning with your family and friends when you could be killing the ender dragon and accidentally falling in lava in real life? Any person with sense would easily choose greenscreen Minecraft over family affection and friendship.

Covering Your Car

http://www.krylon.com

If you’re like me and live in a hot climate and don’t want to walk out to your car literally melting, you could cover your car with your greenscreen and keep it cool. You’re not a director for a movie. So you might as well put some use into your money.

Landing On The Moon For The First Time

http://www.bing.com

We all know that shit never happened, but YOU can be the first to defy the deadly radiation from the sun on the moon’s lack of atmosphere by landing on the moon. While there is little reason why you would need to go there so urgently due to the fact that there isn’t a Cold War anymore but hey, it’ll be fun.

Meet Alan Jackson

This is me

He’s literally everybody’s favorite person on this planet. Why wouldn’t you want to see him. He’s the greatest country star of all time and everybody’s dad. You would be and idiot and I would hate you if you didn’t like him.

War Crimes

16th March 1946: Nazi leader Hermann Goering (1893 – 1946) in the witness box at the Nuremberg War Crime Trials, where he was later sentenced to death. (Photo by Keystone/Getty Images)

We all know we can’t do it in real life…BUT BEHIND A GREENSCREEN YOU CAN. No one will judge you I swear. Mainly because you’ll be by yourself committing these acts of violence against the innocent.

Meet Alan Jackson Again

Me Again

He’s just so cool.

-Evan “Pige”

Best Video Games To Play Alone

When none of your friends are awake and online, you get a feeling of loneliness and isolation that can’t be put into words. When working night shifts, you would tend to find yourself in this situation every weekend. A way to cope with this feeling is to play these certain video games alone. This is a short list of what I came up with.

Assassin’s Creed

youtube.com

With captivating environments and addicting combat, the Assassin’s Creed saga is always a go-to when nobody else is around to join your party or call. The 4th installment of the series, “Black Flag” is a fan favorite around the world for the unique environment and entertaining free-roam mechanics. Also…SHANTIES!

Firewatch

thekoalition.com

This 2016 Campo Santo indie release is a game like no other. Though the main story is short lasting around 4-5 hours, this open-world is a visual masterpiece for anybody looking to just relax and feel free and isolated from anybody else.

Grand Theft Auto

youtube.com

The king of all Rockstar games and a fan favorite all around, any game from the GTA series has hours upon hours of open-world fun for anybody mature enough to play it. Just don’t be that guy that goes into online and ruins everybody’s fun by constantly killing them.

Classic Halo Trilogy

gamerassaultweekly.com

Ah…The great feeling of nostalgia. Whether you were 8 the first time you heard about these games or 18, playing it today gives almost anybody joy. Going back on the old times and remembering all of the fun memories that you had with your friends in custom games and multiplayer. There’s no other feeling.

The Fallout Series

gamespot.com

Of course Bethesda would be on here. While I could have put Skyrim as this entry, due to biased and personal experiences with friends, the Fallout series has one of the greatest communities in gaming history. The entrancing post-apocalyptic world has hundreds of hours of pure entertainment and fun experiences. Whether you started out playing the classic trilogy or began in the latest installment, this series is like no other.

The Metro Series

mobygames.com

There seems to be a trend with post-apocalyptic video games and single-player enjoyment. The incredible immersion in the Metro series is often regarded as the best for any survival-horror game ever made. The desolate environment and the intriguing characters will have you hooked for a very long time.

Minecraft

youtube.com

This wouldn’t be a game list without Minecraft. Minecraft appeals to all ages and its thousands of mods offer years of playing experience and enjoyment. If you believe that there is nobody that wants to play video games with you, hop into a random server and meet new friends. You never know, they might become lifelong.

The Last of Us

youtube.com

Do you want to play one of the most graphically impressive and immersive video games of the modern world? Well look no further than The Last of Us series. There has been great controversy over the story-telling of the most recent release, but if you’re like me and play video games casually and not like a neckbeard, you will enjoy every moment of The Last of Us.

-Evan “Pige”

Greatest Midnight Snacks

Alright listen, we all know that midnight snacks are the best snacks. But to determine which snack is the best is where the debate lies. So I (The Pidge) am going to determine which midnight snack is the most popular and best overall based on my totally credible sources… Here we go.

10.) Hot Pockets

mashed.com

Let’s face it, we all know that pizza or a hot pocket is god-like food to consume late in the evening, but there are its downsides. Let’s start out with the fact that you have to be awake and mobile enough to cook it and eat it. Personally, I never have enough energy to get up out of my bed and have the urge to go cook. This is why I rank it number 10.

9.) Leftovers

thewashingtonpost.com

Leftovers usually tend to sooth people’s sweet spots when it comes to breakfast or lunch for the upcoming week, but from my personal experience, there is nothing else like heating up the dinner that you had the night before when all other fast food delivery services are beginning to close. Leftover pizza or spaghetti is a must-try for a midnight snack.

8.) Soda

youtube.com

We all know that water is delicious in the middle of the night right as you wake up, but have you ever had the sweet taste of an orange soda or a Pepsi as soon as you wake up. I will tell you that there is no other taste in the world than this one. The carbonation and the sweetness of the flavor will sooth and calm down whatever feeling you are experiencing in the moment.

7.) Cereal

youtube.com

Sit down, grab a nice glass of juice, and enjoy the night to yourself by chowing down on some delicious cereal. Cereal was clearly designed for breakfast but because you’re feeling adventurous, you decide that this philosophy does not apply to you any longer. So you chow down and enjoy your own personal freedom of judgement.

6.) A Basic Sandwich

youtube.com

An easy and reliable solution for your hunger in the middle of the night comes with basic fridge-found food between two pieces of bread. This option is often difficult in the middle of the night but extremely rewarding.

5.) Nicotine

youtube.com

If you know, you know. Anybody that consumes nicotine will understand that waking up in the middle of the night in a drunken stuper or just having a bad dream can be easily calmed with a little nicotine. Every smoker can agree that the greatest nicotine buzz of the day is as soon as you wake up.

4.) Taco Bell

doordash.com

When in doubt, always go for the Bell. Always coming in clutch with its late hours, Taco Bell has quenched the hunger and thirst of millions in the wee small hours of the morning. Seriously, if you haven’t, try a burrito at midnight when nobody else is awake.

3.) Water

nameplatesforindustry.com

Your friend that has always been there by your side whenever you’re in need. The basic fluid that controls 70% of your bodies is bound to be in the top three of this list. Drinking water when being awake in the early hours of the morning is both healthy and satisfying.

2.) Gas Station Food

welcome.jobcase.com

Open 24/7. Gas stations are always safe refuge for the hungry late at night. With an extremely large demographic of truckers, night owls, and stoners/drinkers, gas stations have always provided comfort for those needing a late night snack.

1.) Chocolate Cookies

primera.com

The greatest and most popular midnight snack for anybody that wakes up with a sweet tooth. Chocolate cookies are always there for you when you don’t care about your health and only car about satisfaction. The sweet taste will make you feel like a child again and tell your body to relax and stop worrying about what you were thinking about. With an even combination with these cookies and milk, your night will feel just right.

What I Was Gonna Put.) Alcohol

naturalclear.com

Always a good choice when pulling an all-nighter for high-risk, high-reward, alcohol isn’t necessarily the best for going to sleep unless you consume a large amount of it. If you do plan on this, expect to be awake for a few hours regretting what you did. This combined with nicotine will determine how your night is going to go.