Doggystyle?!! We’re not animals! I know my wife better than that. She may have a habit of getting her hand stuck in the car door, and I am a handy man myself. When it comes to blue collar jobs however, it’s a no go for me. Growing up in the church, I assumed that all women weren’t like my wife.
Look, I know what a succubus is alright? I literally live in the church. I just had no idea that my sweet little angel would act like this. We were just at the county fair enjoying the food when a group of guys walked by dressed as medieval knights. They were quoting absurd things like necromancy and she started to chime in. It’s like she became a completely different person!
After talking to them for 15 minutes, she seemed a little off. I asked her how she knew all of this stuff and she basically shrugged me off. So later that night, I made sure to stay up and make sure she knew I wasn’t awake. What happened absolutely shocked me.
She left the house at 2:40AM. I knew exactly where she was heading. I followed her to one of the large tents at the fair. She had no idea that I was watching from afar. I-I can’t describe what I saw because I get sick. Those men, the cameras, the…I know now that I can never look at her the same again. Later that week, I started faking a bad cough and recommended her to go to the hospital.
The results came in. I had no idea that she was like this. I’ve been married to her for so long. I know I have it too. I-I just. I have to go now. There’s nothing else left to say.
Peak into what a day in the life of an average American Citizen would have looked like in a timeline where Kanye West won the 2020 Presidential Election.
You’re awoken to the sound of Wolves by President West playing over sirens off in the distance, looking to either side of you is a field with tall grass. You begin to realize you’re surrounded by literally everyone you know and even those you don’t. From Celebrities to distant cousins you haven’t had full conversations with in over ten years; To you close family, friends and even your teachers from P.S.R. showed up. Before you can even begin to fathom your surroundings the purr of an ATV engine can be heard coming from down the side of a mountain within eyesight, it’s President West. You’re on his Wyoming ranch. Before any of this can settle in Kanye West is here and it is time to begin Morning Mass.
After Morning Mass, Yeezy begins his 10 hour studio session with Jay-Z, Drake, Lil Wayne, Kid Cudi, Q-Tip, Elton John, Travis Scott, Mike Tyson, Ronald McDonald, Busta Rhymes, Lil Pump, Justin Timberlake,Michael Bublé, Snoop Dogg, Justin Bieber, Allen Iverson, Tupac (in hologram form), Oprah, God Himself, Aunt Jemima, Uncle Jessie, Tony Hawk (seems like could spit mad bars), Master Yoda, The Underaker, Michelangelo (T.M.N.T.), The Golden Girls (Again, in hologram form with the exception of Betty White), Bob Ross, and Chance The Rapper.
Literally everything else in The United States stays exactly the same and life other than this small exception to our morning’s and mass amounts of Kanye West Albums Produced by a plethora of obscure characters nothing changes. Our Polices as a nation stay the same, nothing changes about our borders, economy, covid regulations stay the same; And life as you know it is normal. God Bless President West and God Bless The United States of America.
It was 2008. At the time, my wife and I were struggling sexually. Not in an erectile dysfunction type of way, but in an adventurous way. We needed to spice things up a little yaknow? So one morning, we saw an ad in the paper.
We knew that this was exactly what we needed. It was the quickest unanimous decision her and I ever made. We knew that Boise didn’t offer much, but goddamn this was something. The fee wasn’t much either. I’m not telling you cuz that’s none of your business. What you do need to know, however, is how quick that 2 hour drive was. We were so excited that we didn’t even pack lunch.
We treated the whole introductory course like we weren’t going to plow the hell out of each other so we didn’t get the instructors suspicious. The minutes felt like hours as we were anticipating the best experience we were ever going to have. It was a cool, sunny day at around 73°F with mild winds. Perfect for hang doin. We drove to the drop site and waited for the right time.
And we have a liftoff! The cool wind grazing against my body only elevated my excitement. I know what I must do.
I signal my wife to open her legs. I make a dive for it. I know that the instructors on the ground are watching but I have been anxious for TOO long. The positioning and timing is perfect. And just like that…I’m in. Our dreams have come true as we are the only people in the world that are currently having sex whilst mid glide, probably. Everything is perfect.
Everything was perfect. The hang glides got intertwined and caused us to come spiraling towards the earth. We knew what we had to do. So right after finishing, we cut the lines and prepared to parachute to the surface. But for some reason, her parachute was still connected to the glide. She tried to escape but it seems that fate had other plans for her.
They heard my name and they’ve heard my desires. I will not confess to these accusations. The satisfaction and glory of the prosecutor will not be met. The judge heard my case. The jury didn’t seem to meet the agreement, however. So, after 14 years they finally got me. They finally got the Hang Glide Killer.
The day of reckoning has come and love him or hate him, Todd Howard and the Bethesda team are now under the management of Microsoft. Above all else this means Todd Howard has achieved his greatest feat yet, he has sold Skyrim again. This time is the heist of the century however, $7.5 Billion. The master plan does not end there however, with the overwhelming popularity of Game Pass, Todd will be selling Skyrim to Xbox users every single month for the foreseeable future. While the future of Todd presenting the newest Bethesda titles may be up in the air, we can always look back at the wise words he has left us in the past.
“It Just Works”
There is absolutely no way we are running down the best Howardisms without kicking it off with THE most quoted line of all. “It Just Works”. Picture it, E3 2019, Bethesda Softworks own Todd Howard takes the stage, rumors have filled the air about a brand new Fallout title but have been supported by whispers of a new Skyrim variant. Then boom, there it is. Fallout 4. You sat in awe at the new iteration of the series was unveiled. The gameplay rolls on the screen as Godd Howard’s voice projects over the audience. As he explains the new world design, lore and mechanics, One assurance was made. “It Just Works”. From the game studio with more bugs than an insect exhibit, the lie that defined the future of the product and spawned millions of mems, “It Just Works”.
“Who’s Laughin’ Now?”
Coming off the cult success of the Oblivion title, ZeniMax Media’s Todd Howard sat down for a one on one interview to discuss his most recent works. During this encounter, Todd recalls how in school while other students dreamed of playing professional football, Todd always planned on becoming a game developer. To all those who doubted him Todd had one simple message, “Who’s Laughin’ Now”. Of course because the internet exists and we are all equally awful people this too was subject to become top meme material but hey, Who’s laughin now?
“You Dork, Go Back To The Chess Club
During his infamous “Who’s laughin’ now” interview came anither great line that was sadly overlooked. While the internet latched onto the previously stated line, the exclamation that follows is equally as funny in that same regard. Todd explains that while sharing his dreams of designing video games the general consensus from his peers was, “You dork, Go back to the chess club”. The line is delivered with such straight face monotone conviction that one cannot help but laugh, not to mention after a few breif moments of silence he follows it up with, “… yes I was in the chess club”. Classic Todd.
“As Far As Stupid Gimmicks Go, It’s The Best Fucking One”
When the inhumane Godd Howard begins his reign of game unveiling he knows no bounds and can not be stopped! Alongside the introduction of Fallout 4, Todd showcased a real life Pip-boy 3000 that would be available with the collectors addition. Well surely this is a prop and will not have an actual electronic display the naïve audience collectively thought. Wrong you are peasants answered the divine one! Todd reviled that along with the Pip-boy came an app that acted as a second screen for your Fallout 4 experience. However, Todd was not shy to express his feeling s on how distracting he finds the second screen experience before quickly ensuring us all, “As far as stupid gimmicks go this is the best fucking one.” The man strikes again, dropping a hard F-bomb right there in the center of the E3 stage simply because he is Godd Howard and knows no mortal man can stop him.
“Glows In The Fucking Dark”
There is no stopping this man. Another E3, another Fallout special edition. This time around Fallout 76 was announced to include a functional power armor helmet for special edition packages, but only that, as Todd so eloquently put it, the special edition would also include an in game map that, “Glows in the fucking dark.” Todd, this is why we love ya. The power of Godd Howard knows no social filters and it has since become the stuff of meme expectation for Todd to get so excited during a game announcement that he must drop the F-bomb.
“There Are Very Few Things as Good as Fallout”
Jumping back over to E3 and the presentation of Fallout 4, what better way to introduce your newest addition to the franchise than with a firm pat on your own back. While it’s amazing to hear him mutter in shaken confidence, we cannot exactly disagree with the man. Upon taking the stage an recounting how far video games have come in society, Todd take a deep breath before stumbling trough one of the greatest lines in E3 history. “There are very few things as good as Fallout”. The crowd, dressed to the nines in vault 101 jump suits, erupt along with all the viewers at home. A bold claim? Absolutely, Is he wrong though is the real question. The series will always have bugs, flaws, and skeptics but regardless of individual titles and opinions when it comes down to it, as a game, as a series, a story, and a community, when it comes to entertainment, There are very few things as good, as fallout.
“Sometimes It Doesn’t Just Work”
Oh Todd, there has never been such a strong love hate relationship as the one between the fallout community towards your leadership. Upon revealing the completely online and first ever multiplayer Fallout, Fallout 76, fans of the series were immediately divided between excitement and fear of what this may bring. While the ability to finally explore the waste with friends was on the table, so was the lingering reputation of Bethesda’s engine development. Fortunately enough for us Father Howard shared these mixed emotions as well as he introduced the Fallout 76 Beta dubbed, the Break-it Early Test Application. Now why would a man with the confidence of a god seem unsure about the quality of his engine? To quoke the man directly, he had read on the internet that, “Sometimes, It doesn’t just work”. We love you Todd. The Godd has become self-aware.
In all seriousness I am a die hard Fallout fan through and through, while people may disagree about certain entries in the series or have issues with overall bugs in gameplay, we cannot forget how much time and effort has gone into this project and how much of an impact it has had on our lives. For that we do have to give credit where credit is due to Todd Howard and all the devs from Bethesda. I encourage everyone to go and rewatch both the Fallout 4 and 76 E3 presentations as even though they may not have turned out exactly as you wanted, going back and watching them still gives you that old magic feeling of a new Fallout title.
Let me know what some of your favorite Todd Howardisms are as well as what you think the future holds for Bethesda Softworks under the banned of Microsoft by using the Discord link below! Turn on notifications to keep up to date with all the latest events and happenings and get behind the scenes access to The Rebel Podcast!
1. Rehab – Bartender Song (sitting at the bar) this song is a top classic it’s more of a mixture of rap and rock and its a party favorite
2. Limp Bizkit – Break Stuff this song right here is a good fighting song definitely a fan favorite who doesn’t need a little Fred Durst in they’re life ya know what I’m saying?
3. Beastie boys – (you gotta) Fight for your right (To party) this song is a party starter everyone knows the famous saying the beastie boys didn’t fight for your right to party to be drinking a white Claw
4. Blink 182 – All The Small Things Let’s face if everyone misses Tom the band isn’t the same without him everyone still bumps they’re older music
5. Neil Diamond – Sweet Caroline Now it’s time for the oldies this song is mainly for fairs or festivals it’s a poplar group sing along
6. Elton John – Rocket man A great song that comes from the heart when this song is played the crowed goes nuts a popular karaoke song in bars
7. Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers – Free Fallin a classic start to the night everyone enjoys this toon on the touch toon thing at the bar and it’ll get the bar going
8. Bon Jovi – Shot Through The Heart A classic that gets the bar ROARING definitely sing along you play this and the bar automatically thinks they’re lead singers
9. Journey – Don’t Stop Believing alright we all know this one right here but once you play this this PEOPLE go insane I’ve witnessed some crazy stuff from people standing on top of the bar dancing like an idiot to it starting bar fights don’t ask me people dig the song
10. Kid Rock- All Summer Long no matter what the what the season is this song is ALWAYS being played it’s more of a end of the night type of song but it’s majorly popular and typically played twice a night maybe three times it seems like no one ever upset that song is over played
If 2020 has given us anything, it’s the chance to sit on our couch as our life rots away around us. You could spend this time learning a life skill or bettering yourself in different aspects of your life but instead you spend this time watching video games. The key word there being ‘watching’. In a world full of people demanding instant gratification we cannot simply be expected to play through an entire video game level by level, defeating our enemies and earning our praises. Absolutely not! Luckily for us let’s plays exist. For those who don’t frequent living victoriously through internet personalities, a let’s play is defined as “One or more people, usually from message boards, that record themselves playing video games through screenshots or captured video (Mostly the latter)” by Urban Dictionary. Just like any other job, there are people who are good at it, and those who are bad at it. Compiled below are some of the best and worst the internet has to offer!
Starting up in May of 2012, Markiplier took to the interwebs creating gaming content the likes of which were largely unknown. Many years and many, many videos later, Mark sits comfortably among the top of the YouTube gaming community. Known for his compelling voice and over the top reactions, Markiplier has gained a following of 26.8 Million subscribers and for good reason. Mark seems to be the total package when it comes to the Let’s Play community bringing both sophisticated and sophomoric humor to his game play while more often then not still being able to buckle down and beat a series in a reasonable amount of time.
Talk about finding your demographic and milking it for all it’s got. Rising to popularity seemingly overnight Richard Blevins, otherwise known as Ninja, gained his popularity playing the 2017 free battle royal game Fortnite. Being that this game’s primary demographic consists of children, Ninja wasted no time pumping out game play and commentary tailor fit to that demo. In this case it really is a matter of quantity over quality, I strongly urge anyone who hasn’t yet to attempt and sit through a Ninja stream, you will quickly find a lack of any verbal substance or attempt to provide comedic or thought provoking dialect. The issue comes from the fact, Fortnite being the hot new trend in the young gaining world led mainstream media to select Ninja to represent the face of the let’s play community in their narrative, not to mention he refuses to stream with anyone of the female gender. Not to take anything away from his dedication to the game, but if you have arrived at his channel seeking variety you will be very disappointed. Apart from the occasional one off, the hefty majority of Ninja’s videos are exactly what you would expect, Fortnite game play and more Fortnite game play. Stick to what you know I suppose, he seems to be doing just fine with his 24 Million subs backing him up.
What happens when well known comedy content creator JonTron joins forces with fellow NewGrounds.com OG creator Egoraptor, pure gold. While Arin and Jon began tearing up the YouTube community with their brash and bold comedy game play back in 2012, it was not until Jon’s departure and replacement with Dan Avidan the following year the channel really began to take off. Involving two genuinely funny and creative individuals, Game Grumps tick all the boxes. Providing compelling game play including some of the most abstract and anticipated games of all time partnered with over the top situational and relatable comedy, The Grumps take let’s plays to the next level. Never afraid to expand or try new things for their community Game Grumps have previously expanded their content to involve a series for Steam based games as well as multiplayer arcade style party games. In more recent times, The Game Grumps have capitalized on their Guest Grumps series involving some truly iconic celebrities and comedians, as well as launching a weekly live action show entitled simply, The Grumps.
Friends of and former co-workers of the Game Grumps, Matt and Ryan provide their own unique game play experience. If you are a long time fan of The Grumps who fears that they have lost their crude edge over the years SuperMega may be just the place for you. Never afraid to push a few boundaries or do what ever it takes to commit to the joke, Matt and Ryan go the extra mile to provide quality and humorous content for their viewers. Banking not only on their killer comedic timing but their bold and abrupt editing style, their simple videos always seem to be comedy gold. In addition to their Let’s Plays, SuperMega also provides their viewers with a weekly podcast as well as frequent live action sketches.
What can best be described as a boring video game reviewer to begin with, ProJared doubled down when he decided to do the same on his personal life. Jared’s videos have always been vanilla, using the absolute bare bones approach to game review as well as let’s plays. He did his research and presented you with his findings but if you are tuning in for his witty commentary or comedic timing prepare for it to fall short. A relativity mediocre gaming channel at most suffered the end all be all when in 2019 Jared was accused of cheating on his then wife while also soliciting nude photographs to his fan base. This marked the end of ProJared, while he may still produce his watered down content, his channel will never recover.
These are just a few of the highs and lows in the Let’s Play community and I would love to hear who you think the best and worst Let’s Players are below!
I remember it like it was yesterday, I was working as an assistant to the owner of a multimillion dollar enterprise. I was in charge of keeping the house in order, providing council, and most importantly I was entrusted with keeping some of the biggest secrets not only in the company but the city as well. As a very highly respected and beloved member of the community my boss Bruce depended on me in order help keep his affairs in order for his day to day life. This wasn’t any ordinary job for me, I wasn’t simply a housekeeper or a live in, this was my life’s work.
It was crisp fall evening when I brought in the abnormally large stack of mail from the box. As I handed it off to my boss I awaited for him to return the letters he had deemed important to file away. He opened up an envelope embroidered in elaborate detail including a golden seal completing the ensemble. When he had finished reading the letter, he glanced up at me and cracked a coy smile. Informing me he had been invited to an elegant dinner tonight courtesy of some of the town’s highest entrepreneurs, he handed me the paper and retreated to his quarters to get ready. When he emerged from his room, he suddenly halted in his tracks. Looking directly at me in confused manner, Bruce exclaimed, “Well what are you waiting for we have to get going!” Unbenounced to me, he had expected me to join him on this outing. Quicky I raced to my room and threw on my best suit before joining my boss in the car.
Arriving at the restaurant, we took our seats across the table from one another as the waitress began to take drink orders. We sat among some of the most powerful men in the entire city. I listened intently as my boss discussed business strategy and marketing techniques to his fellow entrepreneurs. As our drinks arrived the conversation swelled. An hour had passed seamlessly as our food began to arrive. Conversation ceased as we all began to indulge in the five star meal we had received. A phenomenal blend of seafood and pasta the flavor was exquisite, except for one thing. It needed salt. I glanced over the table to find the salt shaker sitting just right of my boss Bruce on the other side of the table.Slowly my nerves began to build as I did not want to speak out of turn and offset the wondrous evening. Composing myself I had finally worked up enough courage inside to ask for the salt. Slowly setting down my fork I uttered the words that would ultimately haunt me for the rest of my life. Over the silent table full of the most powerful men in town I calmly muttered, “Batman, could you pass the salt?” Everyone’s utensils dropped and mouths fell agape in awe. The most important secret I have ever been in charge of keeping was out. Bruce Wayne quickly got up and made a B-line for his car.
Two weeks later after having no contact I receive my termination letter in the mailbox of my decrepit hotel room located underneath the highway to the airport. Last I heard, he had hired some guy named Alfred to take my place.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so they say. When it comes to music, cover songs can either make or break a band. Often times covers undergo great scrutiny for not sounding like the source, or even sounding too much like the source. The classic saying, “the original was better”, is often the base argument for dismissing these cover songs, and more often than not is the death nail for these iterations of classic songs. However, there have been some absolutely draw dropping or stunning covers of radio classics that still seem largely unknown to the public eye. The following is a collection of unique and underrated cover songs by artists you may expect.
1. Drake Bell
You may be familiar with Drake Bell from the 2000s hit Nickelodeon show Drake & Josh, however did you know Drake doesn’t simply just play a musician for TV. Drake Bell is a phenomenally underrated musician with a total of six studio albums under his belt! Alongside his original singles, bell has also provided some very well done covers to his discography! Possibly the most commonly discussed of all of them is his 2018 release of the Lil Pump track, Gucci Gang. Receiving the most back and forth between those who loved the rendition and those who hated it, Gucci Gang is far from Drake Bell’s first, or even best, cover. Appearing on the 2014 album, “Ready, Steady, Go”, is a fantastic cover of Billy Joel’s “It’s Still Rock and Roll To Me”. The track not only serves an amazing recreation of the 1980 smash hit, but also may appear indistinguishable from the original to the casual listener.
2. Ninja Sex Party
Yes, Ninja Sex Party is indeed the legitimate name of this band. Fronted by Danny Sexbang, the act is a two man comedy duo specializing in comedic and novelty music often revolving around mythical or sexual subject matter. That being said, NSP is honestly one of the most talented and creative bands I have had the pleasure to listen to. Managing to be both funny and clever at the same time is one thing but having the musical ability to go from “6969” to a seamless rendition of “Rocket Man” that will make you question who did it better is another. In 2015 NSP decided to change their style for one album by releasing the cheekily named “Under The Covers” which featured all cover songs. The album was such a commercial success and received such great feedback from the fanbase that it spawned two more volumes of “Under The Covers” albums!
3. Postmodern Jukebox
Possibly the most widely known group on this list for their covers, Postmodern Jukebox provide classics with a twist! Featuring 50+ revolving musicians along with multiple extraordinary vocalists, PMJ take some of the most successful, well known, and beloved songs and cover them in the style of swing, jazz, and big band. Not shy of any genre or era, PMJ have covered everything ranging from Radiohead to Macklemore and Britney Spears to Aerosmith. Absolutely everything they have touched turns to transatlantic gold!
Chances are if you grew up in the early 2000s or ever played a Tony Hawk Pro Skater games, you’ve heard Cake. Most famous for their hit singles “The Distance” and “Short Skirt Long Jacket”, Cake seemingly broke out huge and the slowly faded off the radar. While the slow and very verbal style of the band may not be the taste for everyone, Cake has seemingly found the perfect way to use that to their advantage. With covers of such classics as “I Will Survive” and “Paranoid”, Cake has made their stamp on the cover field by incorporating their own original style like no other. Even going into Hank Williams Sir, The tracks may take you by surprise at first or require a minute to adjust to, Cake provides welcome and intriguing versions of classics we know and love.
5. Paul Anka
No need to adjust your screen, you did read that correctly! Paul Anka, known for such classics as “Puppy Love” and “Put Your Head On Y Shoulder” is no stranger to the almighty cover song! Now you may be thinking to yourself, he must’ve covered classics of the time just like Elvis or Jerry Lee Lewis did! Well, you would be incorrect! I bet the covers you were thinking of did not involve Nirvana, Oasis, Van Halen or even Soundgarden. That’s right, Paul Anka released his album, Rock Swings, in 2015 featuring swing style renditions of some of the most popular song from the previous two decades.Even if you are not a fan of the swing genre, I encourage you to give it a listen and see for yourself why Paul Anka is one of the absolute geniuses of the art!