My Wife Got Chlamydia From Online Porn

Doggystyle?!! We’re not animals! I know my wife better than that. She may have a habit of getting her hand stuck in the car door, and I am a handy man myself. When it comes to blue collar jobs however, it’s a no go for me. Growing up in the church, I assumed that all women weren’t like my wife.

Hindustantimes.com

Look, I know what a succubus is alright? I literally live in the church. I just had no idea that my sweet little angel would act like this. We were just at the county fair enjoying the food when a group of guys walked by dressed as medieval knights. They were quoting absurd things like necromancy and she started to chime in. It’s like she became a completely different person!

Weatherfordemocrat.com

After talking to them for 15 minutes, she seemed a little off. I asked her how she knew all of this stuff and she basically shrugged me off. So later that night, I made sure to stay up and make sure she knew I wasn’t awake. What happened absolutely shocked me.

Luvze.com

She left the house at 2:40AM. I knew exactly where she was heading. I followed her to one of the large tents at the fair. She had no idea that I was watching from afar. I-I can’t describe what I saw because I get sick. Those men, the cameras, the…I know now that I can never look at her the same again. Later that week, I started faking a bad cough and recommended her to go to the hospital.

Cidrap.umn.edu

The results came in. I had no idea that she was like this. I’ve been married to her for so long. I know I have it too. I-I just. I have to go now. There’s nothing else left to say.

-Pige

What Kanye West’s Presidency would’ve looked like

Peak into what a day in the life of an average American Citizen would have looked like in a timeline where Kanye West won the 2020 Presidential Election.

You’re awoken to the sound of Wolves by President West playing over sirens off in the distance, looking to either side of you is a field with tall grass. You begin to realize you’re surrounded by literally everyone you know and even those you don’t. From Celebrities to distant cousins you haven’t had full conversations with in over ten years; To you close family, friends and even your teachers from P.S.R. showed up. Before you can even begin to fathom your surroundings the purr of an ATV engine can be heard coming from down the side of a mountain within eyesight, it’s President West. You’re on his Wyoming ranch. Before any of this can settle in Kanye West is here and it is time to begin Morning Mass.

After Morning Mass, Yeezy begins his 10 hour studio session with Jay-Z, Drake, Lil Wayne, Kid Cudi, Q-Tip, Elton John, Travis Scott, Mike Tyson, Ronald McDonald, Busta Rhymes, Lil Pump, Justin Timberlake,Michael Bublé, Snoop Dogg, Justin Bieber, Allen Iverson, Tupac (in hologram form), Oprah, God Himself, Aunt Jemima, Uncle Jessie, Tony Hawk (seems like could spit mad bars), Master Yoda, The Underaker, Michelangelo (T.M.N.T.), The Golden Girls (Again, in hologram form with the exception of Betty White), Bob Ross, and Chance The Rapper.

Literally everything else in The United States stays exactly the same and life other than this small exception to our morning’s and mass amounts of Kanye West Albums Produced by a plethora of obscure characters nothing changes. Our Polices as a nation stay the same, nothing changes about our borders, economy, covid regulations stay the same; And life as you know it is normal. God Bless President West and God Bless The United States of America.

The Night I Locked Myself Out Of My House

First Class locksmith

Picture it, the mean streets of Lincoln Nebraska , 2016. I had just finished my shift at the smelling salts factory and was on my way home for the evening. Roughly seven miles from my house I decided to pull through the drive-thru of the nearest Taco Bell/ KFC joint restaurant. As I rolled up to the window I decided to order a number 13 combo, Two hard shell taco supremes with a large Baja Blast and a side of the Colonel’s famous home style gravy on the side. The order came to a total of $13.76 which I respectfully paid for with a crisp twenty dollar bill. Pulling into the nearest parking space, I decided to eat my meal in my car before continuing my drive home. As I finished my meal I placed the remaining crumbs along with the associated wrappers in the empty yellow dollar store bag that had been lying in the backseat of my 2003 Chevy Cobalt. As I began pulling out of the parking lot I decided to turn on my car radio where I was pleasantly greeted by the 1999 Grammy award winning hit single Smooth by Carlos Santana featuring the vocals of Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty . The dolsot yet spicy tones soothed me on my drive home.

Upon arriving at my house, I park my car, gather my belongings and get set to head inside. At my door I reach down to grab the keys off of my belt loop only to find the keys to my house are missing. In a panic I began looking around in the driveway as well as the floorboards of my car in search of my house keys. After 3 continuous hours of searching I finally had stumbled across my keys in the small herb garden outside of my front door. A sigh of relief swept over me as I began to raise my keys to the lock. In horrifying shock I noticed that my keys were not unlocking the door! I began pulling and yanking on the door frantically pleading for it to open. Hours had gone by and all of my neighbors had gathered outside to see what was happening. Finally reaching my breaking point, I decided to grab the can of body spray from my car along with my lighter. As I prepared to utilize my last resort, I sparked up my lighter. It was then out of the corner of my eye I realized the address. This was not my house.

Sluggishly returning to my car, I fired up the ignition and began my drive to my actual house. I arrived at the house that showed my home address, unlocked the door and collapsed in exhaustion on my furnitureless living room floor.

-Style

That time I accidentally made Chicken-Parm for six

delish.com

I still remember it like it was yesterday, coming home from work at 8:37pm, exhausted, drained, catching ever single light red. When I finally make it to my door after spending approximately 7 minuets fumbling with my keys, it dawned on me I was suppose to make dinner for the family tonight! I burst through the door frantically thinking of something quick and simple but still meal worthy, Something familiar that I know exactly how to make. Then it came to me, CHICKEN PARMESAN! Swinging open my freezer door with maximum force and grabbing the frozen chicken breasts, I slapped those bad boys in a glass bowl and threw them in the microwave to defrost. On to breading, Accidentally tearing my cabinet drawer off it’s hinges I grabbed a brand new can of breadcrumbs and some garlic salt out and tossed the mixture in in a bowl. Hearing the ding of the microwave, I retrieved the freshly soggy breasts and proceeded to batter them in the bowl of breadcrumbs and garlic salt I had prepared while my oven slowly began to preheat to 450.

Upon hearing the buzz of my oven, I placed the breaded chicken in a pan before realizing In didn’t have any Parmesan. In a panic I remembered that I had seen a container of Parmesan cheese in my neighbor’s refrigerator through my window the other day. Quietly without drawing any attention to the window, I reached my arm through into my neighbors kitchen where I grabbed his keys that had been sitting on the counter. Sneaking into the back door of his house a made a B-line for the fridge where I found that just enough cheese was left for my dinner! I grabbed the container and booked it back to my kitchen, praying I had remained unseen. Upon arriving back at my oven, I sprinkled the cheese alone the six breasts laid inside the pan. Sliding the pan inside the perfectly temperatured oven, I closed the door and set the timer for 23 minutes as I began to scroll through my Instagram feed. Pausing briefly after liking a series of photos of Tye Pennington, I looked up to notice that 30 minutes had already passed! Slipping on my Hey Arnold! pot holders I opened up the oven door and removed the pan to find six perfectly breaded, golden brow, moist, breasts of Chicken Parmesan. After preparing six plates for my family, I excitedly burst into the living room to inform everyone that dinner was ready only to remember that I live alone. Not only had I forgotten that I live alone, but I had also stopped to grab tacos on my way out of work to eat for dinner. Upon realizing the events that had just transpired, I dropped to my knees in the kitchen before curling up on the floor and falling asleep, alone and naked.