I Lost My Job Over Salt

I remember it like it was yesterday, I was working as an assistant to the owner of a multimillion dollar enterprise. I was in charge of keeping the house in order, providing council, and most importantly I was entrusted with keeping some of the biggest secrets not only in the company but the city as well. As a very highly respected and beloved member of the community my boss Bruce depended on me in order help keep his affairs in order for his day to day life. This wasn’t any ordinary job for me, I wasn’t simply a housekeeper or a live in, this was my life’s work.

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It was crisp fall evening when I brought in the abnormally large stack of mail from the box. As I handed it off to my boss I awaited for him to return the letters he had deemed important to file away. He opened up an envelope embroidered in elaborate detail including a golden seal completing the ensemble. When he had finished reading the letter, he glanced up at me and cracked a coy smile. Informing me he had been invited to an elegant dinner tonight courtesy of some of the town’s highest entrepreneurs, he handed me the paper and retreated to his quarters to get ready. When he emerged from his room, he suddenly halted in his tracks. Looking directly at me in confused manner, Bruce exclaimed, “Well what are you waiting for we have to get going!” Unbenounced to me, he had expected me to join him on this outing. Quicky I raced to my room and threw on my best suit before joining my boss in the car.

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Arriving at the restaurant, we took our seats across the table from one another as the waitress began to take drink orders. We sat among some of the most powerful men in the entire city. I listened intently as my boss discussed business strategy and marketing techniques to his fellow entrepreneurs. As our drinks arrived the conversation swelled. An hour had passed seamlessly as our food began to arrive. Conversation ceased as we all began to indulge in the five star meal we had received. A phenomenal blend of seafood and pasta the flavor was exquisite, except for one thing. It needed salt. I glanced over the table to find the salt shaker sitting just right of my boss Bruce on the other side of the table.Slowly my nerves began to build as I did not want to speak out of turn and offset the wondrous evening. Composing myself I had finally worked up enough courage inside to ask for the salt. Slowly setting down my fork I uttered the words that would ultimately haunt me for the rest of my life. Over the silent table full of the most powerful men in town I calmly muttered, “Batman, could you pass the salt?” Everyone’s utensils dropped and mouths fell agape in awe. The most important secret I have ever been in charge of keeping was out. Bruce Wayne quickly got up and made a B-line for his car.

Sick Chirpse

Two weeks later after having no contact I receive my termination letter in the mailbox of my decrepit hotel room located underneath the highway to the airport. Last I heard, he had hired some guy named Alfred to take my place.

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The Night I Locked Myself Out Of My House

First Class locksmith

Picture it, the mean streets of Lincoln Nebraska , 2016. I had just finished my shift at the smelling salts factory and was on my way home for the evening. Roughly seven miles from my house I decided to pull through the drive-thru of the nearest Taco Bell/ KFC joint restaurant. As I rolled up to the window I decided to order a number 13 combo, Two hard shell taco supremes with a large Baja Blast and a side of the Colonel’s famous home style gravy on the side. The order came to a total of $13.76 which I respectfully paid for with a crisp twenty dollar bill. Pulling into the nearest parking space, I decided to eat my meal in my car before continuing my drive home. As I finished my meal I placed the remaining crumbs along with the associated wrappers in the empty yellow dollar store bag that had been lying in the backseat of my 2003 Chevy Cobalt. As I began pulling out of the parking lot I decided to turn on my car radio where I was pleasantly greeted by the 1999 Grammy award winning hit single Smooth by Carlos Santana featuring the vocals of Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty . The dolsot yet spicy tones soothed me on my drive home.

Upon arriving at my house, I park my car, gather my belongings and get set to head inside. At my door I reach down to grab the keys off of my belt loop only to find the keys to my house are missing. In a panic I began looking around in the driveway as well as the floorboards of my car in search of my house keys. After 3 continuous hours of searching I finally had stumbled across my keys in the small herb garden outside of my front door. A sigh of relief swept over me as I began to raise my keys to the lock. In horrifying shock I noticed that my keys were not unlocking the door! I began pulling and yanking on the door frantically pleading for it to open. Hours had gone by and all of my neighbors had gathered outside to see what was happening. Finally reaching my breaking point, I decided to grab the can of body spray from my car along with my lighter. As I prepared to utilize my last resort, I sparked up my lighter. It was then out of the corner of my eye I realized the address. This was not my house.

Sluggishly returning to my car, I fired up the ignition and began my drive to my actual house. I arrived at the house that showed my home address, unlocked the door and collapsed in exhaustion on my furnitureless living room floor.

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So You Got A Nickleback Album, Now What?

So you ended up with the last gift in the white elephant gift exchange and low and behold it’s a Nickelback album. There you sit, disappointed, in tears, your family laughing at you, ugly. Fear not, I’ve got you covered! There’s no need to hang your head in shame and bring dishonor to your family for generations by allowing this album to collect dust and impure thoughts on your shelf.

1. The Regift

J.M. Guyon 
    Possibly the most simple and fun way to "give back" is the ol' lemon approch, just pass it off to the next loser! Be it another Christmas party, birthday or quicinera, simly rewrap and unload!

2. PULL!

Amazon.com

When in doubt, shoot it out! Who needs to spend dollar after dollar on clays to shoot at when you can break out Silver Side Up! Just load her up and BOOM! Out of sight, out of mind!

3. The Ol’ Fashion Way

MTA

Whether it’s a wallet, seventeen thousand, a baby or you guessed it Dark Horse by Nickelback, their classics are always tried and true! You can ALWAYS leave it on the bus.

4. Grow The Hell Up

Preview918

Honestly just grow the hell up and listen to them. Stop basing your opinions on music on strangers on the internet who listen to pop radio. Expand your musical variety, listen to new music, and NEVER judge an artist based on one song or album! Nickelback makes good music, if you don’t enjoy the classics I would highly recommend checking out some of their newer albums with a harder and faster sound. Honestly, Nickelback would make the perfect half time show, half of the audience would be stoked and the other would tune in to criticize. Just remember, you don’t become one of the best selling artists of all time by being “the worst band” Just some food for thought.

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The Loneliest Numbers (Ranked)

If you’ve ever sat alone in algebra asking yourself, “Why the hell are there letters in math” or if you fancy Three Dog Night you’ve probably come to the realization that even numbers get lonely. But what is the loneliest number? Strap in as we rank the top five loneliest numbers of all time!

Number 1: Number 1

flicker.com

One is the loneliest number you will ever know (or do)! It’s just that simple, One; singular, alone, it’s just…. One.

Don’t believe me, Ask Three Dog Night!

Number 2: Number 2

Alex’s Tech Thoughts

Two can be just as bad as one, it’s the loneliest number since the number one! I mean think about it, It’s just two ones…that what makes two!

Number 3: Number 11

sportskeeda (even the picture is bad)

For our third entry on the list we had to do some deep diging! It turns out the third loneliest number is eleven. Eleven is composed of two number ones pushed next to each other. Diving deeper we also find that by adding the digits in eleven, we are left with two, which we all know can be as bad as one seeing that it is the loneliest number since the number one. On top of all of that the number eleven has never produced a winner in the royal rumble!

Number 4: Number 9

Sportskeeda

Hoping back over to the company formerly known as “The Fed”, we are presented with number 9. Not only have absolutely no Royal Rumble winner been produced from the nine spot, no entrant at this position has even made it into the final four. No final four, No wins, No friends; Number nine.

Number 5: Number 22

tireball sports

Sometimes you need to look back to the basics, if one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do and two can be as bad as one being that it is the loneliest number since the number one, AND eleven is two number ones making it double the loneliest number you’ll ever know therefore twenty two is double the number as bad as one since it is the loneliest number since the number one….. wait…I’m confused.

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Is COVID-19 From Spirit Halloween?

Like clockwork, as it begins to grow colder outside Spirit Halloween stores begin popping up all over the nation. The popular seasonal retailer makes its home in the empty husk of department stores past. It seems with every passing year Spirit Halloween gains more and more traction growing larger in both size and reach. In this life it would appear there are in fact three things certain: Death, Taxes, And Spirit Halloween finding an abandon building to pedal it’s wears.

Between the years of 2017 and 2019 the American economy began flourishing in ways that hadn’t been seen in several years prior. With a 2.1 GPD increase in the final quarter of 2019, according to bea.gov, business in the US was strong. Now at this point you may be asking yourself, just what does the GDP have to do with Spirit Halloween, or even COVID-19 for that matter? Well it’s simple really, what is the only company that could possibly be harmed by a steady American economy, that’s right Spirit Halloween. Spirit Halloween thrives on the opportunity of moving into the buildings of businesses that have gone under. Meaning if the economy is stable and businesses are able to stay afloat, this poses a threat for the future of Spirit Halloween. Seeing this to be a career threatening issue, is it so unreasonable to think the higher ups at Spirit we’re willing to go to any depths necessary to ensure their future.

Since the introduction of the COVID-19 virus to The United States in late 2019 and through the first quarter of 2020, the GDP has dropped 5%. With an estimated 7.5 million small businesses facing the risk of shutting down (CNBC) Spirit Halloween’s location selection is looking ripe for the picking. Now how would a company such as Spirit Halloween go about being able to cover up such a massive pandemic,why by turning to what they know of course, bats. The initial story reported regarding the discovery of COVID-19 involved the consumption of a bat, otherwise recognizable as an icon of Halloween culture and commonly used influence for Spirit Halloween.

In a world full of uncertainty, panic, and speculation it would seem the only company in a better place coming out of the pandemic this coming fall would be Spirit Halloween. They may not have started or created the virus, but it would appear they have too much steak in the matter to not even be considered a possible link to the COVID-19 outbreak.

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4 Photos that’ll make you say “That’s not Brendan Fraser,That’s a really comfortable chair!”

Throwbacks.com/foter.com

Ah yes, George of the Jungle himself. We all know and love the man who burst onto our VCRs in the early 2000s and has slowly drifted away into obscurity as the years passed. Brendan Fraser was a staple of the big screen at the turn of the century with classics such as “The Mummy” series and “Journey to the Center of the Earth” but the made who made the middle part cool has seemingly dissipated from pop culture over the past two decades. Surprisingly enough, even with his absence from the big screen, all of us still remember the soft, comfortable face of our millennium action hero. The question now is, exactly how well do you remember that reclined grin of Brendan Fraser?

New York Daily News/Dlpng.com

It may come as a shock at first glace, but the photo seen above is in fact NOT a still shot from the 2008 box-office hit “Journey to the Center of the Earth” Starring one Brendan James Fraser, rather a stunning light chestnut and ceder rocking chair perfect for a relaxing day on the porch! Understandably, the subtle glimmer of the glossy ceder finish can easily be mistaken for the un-tamable glossy locks of Mr. Fraser.

imdb.com/PNG River

Have you ever wondered to yourself, “Do I need glasses?” or even “Is it time for a new prescription?”, Well the answer is simple. If you see anything other than a stylishly crafted and unbelievably comfortable chair, then it may be time to book that eye exam. Not convinced? Don’t worry, i’m no optometrist, but the stunningly round curvature of this chair would be impossible not to draw comparison to the round, robust biceps of Brendan Fraser!

imgur/ya-webdesign.com/pngfuel

Still in beta, some say it was a gift from the gods, others claim the artist responsible for the blueprint had to take his own life knowing he would never be able to create something as beautiful as this chair ever again, The Brendan Fraschair was designed entirely in one night. Equipped with oak legs, lumbar support, and a lifetime subscription to blockbuster video, The Fraschair is the alpha and the omega in the seating world. While some speculate the chair may have been modeled after Teen Choice Award winner Brendan Fraser, nothing has ever been confirmed. However, the soft smooth fabric pallet chosen, does resemble the calm, cool, and collected voice of the acclaimed actor.

amazon.com

Now I know what you’re thinking, ” But Style, That IS the star of “Looney Tunes:Back In Action” Brendan Fraser!”, Yes, but look beyond the firm, strong posterior of the mummy wrangler himself. This beautiful handcrafted, genuine leather masterpiece serves as the only suitable throne for your lord, the ruler of the jungle and center of the earth alike, THE Brendan Fraser! Worn from the calloused, manly hands of the Encino Man himself.

-Style