The Night I Locked Myself Out Of My House

First Class locksmith

Picture it, the mean streets of Lincoln Nebraska , 2016. I had just finished my shift at the smelling salts factory and was on my way home for the evening. Roughly seven miles from my house I decided to pull through the drive-thru of the nearest Taco Bell/ KFC joint restaurant. As I rolled up to the window I decided to order a number 13 combo, Two hard shell taco supremes with a large Baja Blast and a side of the Colonel’s famous home style gravy on the side. The order came to a total of $13.76 which I respectfully paid for with a crisp twenty dollar bill. Pulling into the nearest parking space, I decided to eat my meal in my car before continuing my drive home. As I finished my meal I placed the remaining crumbs along with the associated wrappers in the empty yellow dollar store bag that had been lying in the backseat of my 2003 Chevy Cobalt. As I began pulling out of the parking lot I decided to turn on my car radio where I was pleasantly greeted by the 1999 Grammy award winning hit single Smooth by Carlos Santana featuring the vocals of Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty . The dolsot yet spicy tones soothed me on my drive home.

Upon arriving at my house, I park my car, gather my belongings and get set to head inside. At my door I reach down to grab the keys off of my belt loop only to find the keys to my house are missing. In a panic I began looking around in the driveway as well as the floorboards of my car in search of my house keys. After 3 continuous hours of searching I finally had stumbled across my keys in the small herb garden outside of my front door. A sigh of relief swept over me as I began to raise my keys to the lock. In horrifying shock I noticed that my keys were not unlocking the door! I began pulling and yanking on the door frantically pleading for it to open. Hours had gone by and all of my neighbors had gathered outside to see what was happening. Finally reaching my breaking point, I decided to grab the can of body spray from my car along with my lighter. As I prepared to utilize my last resort, I sparked up my lighter. It was then out of the corner of my eye I realized the address. This was not my house.

Sluggishly returning to my car, I fired up the ignition and began my drive to my actual house. I arrived at the house that showed my home address, unlocked the door and collapsed in exhaustion on my furnitureless living room floor.

-Style

The Crossover Episode

Picture it, it’s a lazy friday afternoon after dinner, you saunter into the living room an plop down on the couch next to your dad. As you gaze upon the television you see your father looking through the guide menu on TV Land. As the previous show fades to black you hear the familiar opening of Everybody Loves Raymond.

The episode opens on Raymond on the couch watching an episode of Andy Griffith. “Maaaaaa!”, Ray exclaims as he polishes off a bowl of chips, “Do we have any more chips?” However before Marie can answer she is interrupted by Debra bursting through the door in tears. As Raymond jumps from the couch startled, Debrah explains how the bank is defaulting on their mortgage and they are in danger of being evicted.

After a sleepless night of pondering Ray decides to ask his boss if there are any position openings that would allow him to pick up some extra shifts. Raymond’s boss informs him that there is an opening for a columnist to cover a statewide high school baseball tournament in New York. Without any logical thought Ray agrees to take the position and informs his family they must relocate to the big apple.

Upon arriving at the family’s new home after an exhausting and tense car ride Ray, Debra and the kids make their way inside and await the arrival of their furniture from the moving company. However after several hours of waiting Ray decides to call the movers to figure out where their stuff is. The company informs Raymond that the movers had an incident with the truck and all of the families belongings would be intercepted by a local delivery company in the morning. Much to his chagrin, Ray curled up on the floor for the night and drifted off to sleep. Waking up the following morning at precisely 8:23AM to a knock on the door, Ray is greeted by a stocky man in a green IPS uniform. The man introduces himself as Doug Heffernan, a delivery driver for IPS who was responsible for intercepting the family’s furniture.

After a generous effort to help Ray move in, the two men begin talking and come to find they have many common interests including golf and excessive drinking. Doug tells Raymond that he won two free tickets to a comedy show tonight in a work raffle and asks if he’d like to go since his wife, Carrie, isn’t interested. Ray agrees to go and the two plan to meet up at a local coffee shop before the show.

Ray arrives first and decides to head inside and grab a quick cup of coffee before they head out. Walking into Central Perk, Ray walks across a group of Friends who are discussing the definition of “a break” rather loudly. Choosing not to get involved and seeing Doug approaching through the window, Ray decides to head out.

Upon arriving at the comedy club the two order an excessive amount if drinks and watch the opening act. By the time the main act is ready to take the stage, both men have grown increasingly intoxicated and obnoxious. The host announces the main act, Jerry Seinfeld, as he takes the stage. Only halfway through the act Jerry has to stop mid performance and ask security to please escort the men out of the club for their obscene behavior.

After receiving a police escort back to Ray’s house the two exit the cop car to find that Ray’s water heater had burst sendong it shooting up from his basement, through his living room, and out his roof landing in the front yard. Ray finds a note taped to the door explaining the Debra and the kids would be spending the night in a nearby motel until the water heater was fixed. Raymond spends all night contacting every plumber and contractor in the area only to find nobody is willing to take the job due to the immense amount of damage. With nowhere left to turn, Ray calls Doug and asks if he has any ideas. Doug tells him he recalls seeing a show on TV about a handyman who claims he could fix it all. Ray decides he has nothing else to lose and gives him a call.

The following morning Tim “The Toolman” Taylor arrives at the house agreeing to fix the damage. After several hours of muttering meaningless and confusing grunts that are audible across several towns, Tim is finally finished with the house. As a sign of appreciation Ray offers to buy excessive amounts of drinks at the local bar for Tim. Doug joins them as he too enjoys irresponsible consumption.

At the end of the night, Ray arrives back at his house in a golf cart that him and Doug somehow acquired thought the evening. Staggering inside, he collapses on the couch and turns on the television. Ray proceeds to pass out watching Andy Griffith on TV Land.

Fade to black.

-Style

Is COVID-19 From Spirit Halloween?

Like clockwork, as it begins to grow colder outside Spirit Halloween stores begin popping up all over the nation. The popular seasonal retailer makes its home in the empty husk of department stores past. It seems with every passing year Spirit Halloween gains more and more traction growing larger in both size and reach. In this life it would appear there are in fact three things certain: Death, Taxes, And Spirit Halloween finding an abandon building to pedal it’s wears.

Between the years of 2017 and 2019 the American economy began flourishing in ways that hadn’t been seen in several years prior. With a 2.1 GPD increase in the final quarter of 2019, according to bea.gov, business in the US was strong. Now at this point you may be asking yourself, just what does the GDP have to do with Spirit Halloween, or even COVID-19 for that matter? Well it’s simple really, what is the only company that could possibly be harmed by a steady American economy, that’s right Spirit Halloween. Spirit Halloween thrives on the opportunity of moving into the buildings of businesses that have gone under. Meaning if the economy is stable and businesses are able to stay afloat, this poses a threat for the future of Spirit Halloween. Seeing this to be a career threatening issue, is it so unreasonable to think the higher ups at Spirit we’re willing to go to any depths necessary to ensure their future.

Since the introduction of the COVID-19 virus to The United States in late 2019 and through the first quarter of 2020, the GDP has dropped 5%. With an estimated 7.5 million small businesses facing the risk of shutting down (CNBC) Spirit Halloween’s location selection is looking ripe for the picking. Now how would a company such as Spirit Halloween go about being able to cover up such a massive pandemic,why by turning to what they know of course, bats. The initial story reported regarding the discovery of COVID-19 involved the consumption of a bat, otherwise recognizable as an icon of Halloween culture and commonly used influence for Spirit Halloween.

In a world full of uncertainty, panic, and speculation it would seem the only company in a better place coming out of the pandemic this coming fall would be Spirit Halloween. They may not have started or created the virus, but it would appear they have too much steak in the matter to not even be considered a possible link to the COVID-19 outbreak.

-Style