As a somewhat experienced hiker myself. The general hiking crowd knows about these certain stereotypes and it rubs off on them in either positive or VERY negative ways. Most of these listed are going to follow the latter category, so enjoy.
1) The Yogi
Known as the most spiritual hikers out on the trail, these chumps usually have two reasons for being in the wilderness: they’re either looking for themselves or a new smoke spot. These free-going individuals usually spend extensive times in the woods even though they have a minimal home 30min-1hr away. To spot these chumps, look to see if they’re wearing shoes. If not, Yogi. Long dreads and tie-dye shirt? Yogi. Pungent stench? Either rock climber or Yogi. Climbers will be mentioned soon.
2.) Jesus Christ
These are one of the most common chumps you’ll bump into while hiking. It’s pretty straight forward and easy to recognize these guys. Running into more than 3 Jesus Christs while hiking is a pretty normal thing. Many that read these fit this category pretty well. You look like a Yogi, but we know you’re not. So stop being a FAKE.
3.) Enlisted/Vets
If you think you see Chris Kyle while hiking? Don’t worry. It’s just another identical looking military veteran. It’s pretty easy to spot these guys. Just look for the short hair, beard, and American flag patch on his S.O.G. Backpack. Sometimes they’re with kids, sometimes alone. If they’re still enlisted, check for their boots. They might still be the same ones issued to them on their last deployment.
4.) Commando!
We know that there’s a debate between practicality and health when it comes to not wearing your undies while hiking. What isn’t a debate however, is seeing a lot of asscheek and a lot of nipples poking through shirts while on populated trails. No hate on either end, but sometimes even an outdoorsman can witness too much.
5.) DJ KHALED!
I don’t know how many times it has to be addressed. It IS rude to blast your music while hiking. Most hikers try to get away from the material world and you’re bringing them right back in by listening to modern era radio music. Most of the time, it’s either rap or pop that these chumps listen to and sometimes, you don’t even need to see them to know where they’re at. Take a breath once in a while, smell the fresh air, and enjoy the natural world.
6.) The Good Boy/Girl
Being the most wholesome on the list, the Good Boy/Girl is always a pleasure to see while hiking. Many receive the biggest of treats and pets for staying on the trail or finding the biggest stick to give to their owner. Very few and very sad individuals dislike this category.
7.) The Ultra
Being the most hardcore on the list, these chumps will smoke anybody on the trail to obtain their new PR. Training for months at a time for one race, these guys/gals will always be seen from afar wearing their running shorts, headphones, and fanny packs booking it up or down to the trailhead. Respect for doing it, but everything isn’t a competition. Some haven’t learned that yet.
8.) Insta Hoe
Located at the trailheads or 1/4 of the way through. These chumps are always paying attention to their social media following and sponsorships instead of the natural world. Being in either large groups or solo, it’s best to stay away from these chumps because they tend to be very extroverted and have little to no knowledge of the trail itself. Clout>beauty to them.
9.) Rock Climbers
You can find these sweaty chumps off trail and high up. These guys may also qualify as Yogis depending on how into it they are. Parking near the trailheads in their vans, they either reside solo as a Boulder bro or in groups as sport/trad nerds. They are either really quiet and awkward or way too extroverted (there’s no in between). They’re a cult and always talk about their pumps.
10.) The Geezer
Being spotted as soon as the park opens, these chumps know everything about the history of the park and have been through almost every scenario that you bring up. They’ll pass you and very loudly say “Good Morning!” Then make a dad joke that’ll make you exhale loudly when you pass them. They are slower because of their age, but they have been doing it since 75 baby!
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